No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
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if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that