I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…