It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal