Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
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[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
He a real one for that
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Still a very good boi….
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol