When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
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“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.