this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
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Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less