She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.