You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
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*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
That 👊
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”