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“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?