just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
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Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys