Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
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Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.