Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
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After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Dietest Coke
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I hope this email finds you in a well
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Pizza is an emotion right?
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..