Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
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We all have our pet causes.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
pls suprot
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.