FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
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Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I told my vodka about you.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you