Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
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my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.