I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
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*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
From my Mom
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.