If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
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Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
There’s only one good girl here!
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I love it all
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.