My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
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If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.