This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I hate when that happens.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
jesus, what did this guy do
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.