*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
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A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Lmbo
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.