Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
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How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I support this random dude and all his protests
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.