Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
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I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
*aggressively waits in line*
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”