We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
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Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
absolutely not
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up