Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
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🙅🏻
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
WHO DID THIS?
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.