“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
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Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Terribly Tuesday.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No