Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
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My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition