Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
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i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover