wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
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to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Sooo many times…..
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.