The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
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My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.