The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Well, this is awkward
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices