I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
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I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.