“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
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HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.