“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
inside you are two wolves
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
the dark web is just a goth google.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line