Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
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Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
sensitive skin
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box