I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
You Might Also Like
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
the three genders
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.