Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
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I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.