*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
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Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.