If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
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imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.