TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
B
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Heroic Misunderstanding
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.