Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
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Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”