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My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Interior design 👌
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Love it! 👍😂
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator