Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
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Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…