Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
You Might Also Like
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
meow
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
the three branches of government
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.