“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
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non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
twitter users today:
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.