The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
You Might Also Like
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud