Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
You Might Also Like
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Dune (2021)
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.