Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
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[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.