“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
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#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Extremely relatable.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????