Taliband
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well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.