Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
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Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]