That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
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My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant