Funny Tweeter

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Page of krissywillbretz's best tweets

@krissywillbretz : Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

@krissywillbretz: Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

@krissywillbretz: [god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

@krissywillbretz: [Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is "arson"
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You're not arson, you're adopted.

@krissywillbretz: A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout "HOLE!" after every chorus of "Glory, Glory, Glory".

@krissywillbretz: [ER]
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

@krissywillbretz: When I said "I'm really good in bed" I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

@krissywillbretz: Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you'll get fat
M: so?
B: there's only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

@krissywillbretz: Searched my teens room for drugs, was told "you don't give me enough money for drugs." I don't know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

@krissywillbretz: Since I'm wearing a white top, I'm going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.