If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
You Might Also Like
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
*has no idea what a book even is*
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
God has abandoned us.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
no
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know